One of the best things about surviving a psychologically traumatic yet physically impacting invisible injury, at least for me, is that everyday is a brand new adventure. Sometimes I feel like it’s the 1990s. Everything is a new experience.
There’s no way that my calendar age is equivalent to my spiritual soul age. I feel like a wise old soul yet with the happiness, inquisitiveness, and pure love of a child. Everyday of my life I can live like this. I write these blogs because when I listen to music, I feel something deeply emotional and it makes me feel alive.
I have died many times. It’s true. I’m aware of it everyday. If you are asking yourself, how can something so awful and painful also be something so beautiful and exciting? The only answer I can give to that question is that it sucks and it’s awesome; at the same time.
OFFICIAL HOOLIGANS
When Death came knocking, I said “what’s up homie”? I said “I am not going with you”. But Death responded back to me with, “c’mon, you crusty fucker, it is better this way; you will never feel pain again”. Then I said “ You are right, that is true, I would be in a state of perpetual bliss to never hurt again, however; I also will never feel love again”. And then I said, “hey Death, you know that I’ll see you soon enough, just like everybody; but like Evan Wright of the OFFICIAL HOOLIGANS sings:
“I was so bored off my ass I fell asleep in broken glass
But that’s all in the past
So when I die it’s gonna be on my terms
I wanna die like Darby Crash
When I die it’s gonna be on my terms
I wanna die like Darby Crash
When I die it’s gonna be on my terms
I wanna die like Darby Crash
When I die it’s gonna be on my terms
I wanna die like Darby Crash
When I die it’s gonna be on my terms”
Rest in Peace Bill Chamberlin of Eugene Records. As I listen to this record on repeat as I write these words; I can see your smiling face.
Listen to one of the best Oi’Punk bands that ever existed; Listen to the OFFICIAL HOOLIGANS perfect three song 7” inch record “Campus Safety” here:
PAXTON QUIGGLY
Life’s too short but I have listened to this record on repeat for almost an hour while writing this life building piece. It is not the first time I have listened to this record on repeat.
Do you know why I love it so much?
It is because the entire crust hardcore scene of likely over 10,000 bands in more than 60 countries that have existed during the past 30 years; all are the result of crusty punks like the people who played in PAXTON QUIGGLY. I grew up in that era. The early 90’s. It was awesome.
But so many dead friends. Too many… Why are the most beautiful people who so many of us have ever known also the most hurt?
This is why I love this PAXTON QUIGGLY record. This is the music that I loved. These songs on this record. I loved these songs. I love them so much. I feel something when I listen to PAXTON QUIGGLY. I feel better.
Listen to what makes my heart smile. Listen to this 1992 classic. Listen to the self-titled 7” inch record of PAXTON QUIGGLY here:
BLACKBIRD
True 1990’s punk rock maniacs are familiar with Tian An Men 89 records. I was a freak for anything punk, metal, hardcore, weird and obscure from every possible country. Tian An Men 89 records, introduced the world to punk bands from Madagascar, Cuba, Lithuania, Armenia, Iran, India and many more, including:Transnistria.
I have been to Transnistria. That is what happens when you die, in the United States, but by some potentially cynical blessing; you become alive again. If not for Tian An Men 89 records, I would not have known where Transnistria was. If not for Tian An Men 89 records; I would not have known who BLACKBIRD is.
BLACKBIRD is from Hong Kong. They formed in the early 80’s. They were known for their political activism. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be an independent thinker in Hong Kong and being a musician, and being known for your activities; and knowing that within fourteen years, you will no longer be part of the United Kingdom and you will then be part of China.
That is uncertainty. That is an awful feeling. The knowledge of an unnatural interruption that is coming, with no way to know if it is going to be good for you or not? Waiting fourteen years. That is how long I was punitively drugged times two.
Of course I love BLACKBIRD. This record expresses how I felt for what feels like forever. Uncertainty. Anyone who never experienced the reality of not living in an endless trap of uncertainty; you are fortunate.
BLACKBIRD’s music is not to be described; it is to be felt; it is to be experienced; it is to be you (if that is what you need).
BLACK LABEL
I am the 667th person to listen to BLACK LABEL, on Youtube, since 2015.
667th, you don’t say?
I love crust punk! I think BLACK LABEL is an eternal classic. They have that same heart love that you can hear in the music and the words, similar to PAXTON QUIGGLY.
From Lawrence, Kansas. Throughout the 90’s I always wanted to go there and one time I did. I always wanted to go everywhere. I would have done anything to be away from where I was hurt.
When the walls, ceilings and floors of my life collapsed; I had to do something. I knew that I was not going to be able to stay alive in Massachusetts. That is how I was in Prishtina, Kosovo for a month. That is how I learned to sort of correctly pronounce Nijmegen, a city in The Netherlands. That is how I visited Guatemala City for about 7 hours and ended the night at a private club dance party with 1980’s US hardcore punk flyers all over the wall. Then I ate at an IHOP around 4 in the morning which means it actually was an international house of pancakes. Then I took a taxi to the edge of the pre-dawn mercado coming to life, to walk to the bus terminal to go back to El Salvador. Ultimately, to then end up at a metal and punk festival somewhere near Chalatenango, El Salvador about 10 hours later.
My love for BLACK LABEL brought me to Kansas and a band called DISTRUST brought me to El Salvador; and my choice to choose to live, which was to choose love; is what brought me to Mexico.
MASTERBLEED
Now to end this Punk Rock afternoon honor blog session; here is a little something about one of Boston’s most fucked up, ultra cool and mysteriously obscure hardcore maniac bands called MASTERBLEED.
I had this record. I had all these records. They are still in a storage space in Salem. I feel like everything is destroyed but maybe not. Everything from my old life is in a storage space. I ain’t going there anytime soon.
The only song I listen to from MASTERBLEED is “I Beat Myself Up”.
This song is a fucking king. It is a meteor. It is an avalanche. It is living in hell and knowing it. I love this song.
The singer of this band was in the 1980’s Boston hardcore band SUCKERPUNCH. When I was a kid; everyone talked about SUCKERPUNCH, CROSSFACE, SLAPSHOT, GANG GREEN and WRECKING CREW.
Boston, that is where I come from. The chaos of “I Beat Myself Up” – it is an injection. The kind of injection that makes you want to save yourself.
I think MASTERBLEED understands crazy people; Listen for yourself here:
REFLECTIONS FROM THE AUTHOR
There are people living in endless uncertainty reading these words. Everyone knows someone who is living in endless uncertainty. I am just one of billions of people who live in endless uncertainty, to one degree or another. But I am also a punk rocker and I am a fucking survivor. I am one of maybe a 100,000 people from the United States, out of 349 million people, who are currently alive, who successfully escaped a pharmaceutical prison. Healing from something that is invisible, yet something that has been a part of everything in your life since childhood; it sucks.
And that is how I learned to love. You can be the toughest person in the world and you are afraid of nothing; but you know that sometimes you cry like a baby when no one can hear you…
Punks help punks. Survivors help survivors. Good people help others. Support your friends. Try to be kind. Try to be forgiving whenever possible. Look out for each other. Be careful to not judge people. Acknowledge when people you know are making improvements in how they live their lives. Build people up. Be fair. Admit when you are wrong. Encourage harm reduction. Encourage dignity.
Mail-order three volumes of ‘Punks in Recovery” anthology storybooks here: https://sanityisafulltimejob.myshopify.com/collections/punkrockbooks
